HOW SEPARATION AND DIVORCE AFFECTS

 INFANTS AND TODDLERS

By Cheryl Sindel

Every year over one million American children experience their parents’ divorce or separation.  While this can be a traumatic event in the life of a child, parents do have the ability to help diminish the anguish and distress a child suffers and help prevent long-lasting emotional wounds.  Some people believe that infants and toddlers are not affected by the separation of their parents and that the children will "get over it."  While it is true that children are resilient and are able to adjust, children of all ages, even preverbal infants, feel the loss and grieve the change in their family structure. 

Researchers have pinpointed two factors that determine whether children will do well in the long run following their parents' separation.  These factors are the level of hostility between parents and the level of parental acceptance and adjustment to the separation. Even preverbal infants who do not understand the spoken words can sense hostility and anger between parents.  High-conflict behaviors that have the greatest negative impact on infants and toddlers include verbal abuse and physical aggression between parents, and refusal of parents to communicate with one another about the baby's schedule and current state.  They may also include snatching the child away from the other parent. 

Children notice and become emotionally stressed when their parents are not coping well themselves with the loss of their relationship. Children are especially sensitive to their parents who are feeling anxiety or depression.  Even a nursing child will notice a mother’s distraction if she isn’t engaging with her baby while he nurses.  Children may respond by withdrawing, regressing (returning to behaviors previously mastered like thumb sucking, bedwetting, etc.), eating poorly, or crying excessively or having tantrums.  

While most separations begin with some level of sadness and worry about the future, as well as anger toward the other parent, almost half of divorced couples eventually describe their relationship as amicable.  On average, varying degrees of conflict between parents and upset continue for two to three years following separation.  

Fortunately, these are two areas over which parents have a lot of control.  Because a parent’s functioning has such an impact on the children, parents who are having a difficult time with their own adjustment to the separation should seek counseling or other support to help grieve the loss.  

Also, parents can learn skills through parenting classes, workshops such as those offered by Kids’ Turn, or counseling to reduce hostile interactions with their children's other parent.  Parents who are communicating openly and frequently with one another will be better equipped to address any concerns that they have about how the baby is doing when she is with the other parent. 

When planning for the changes in the family and considering a new living arrangement, parents should consider their individual child and her world.  In particular, the child's individual temperament and the nature of her attachment to important adults in her life are important considerations.  These factors, as well as the child’s developmental stage and the nature of the relationship with the other parent, will help parents develop an appropriate visitation schedule and assist the children in transitioning from one home to another.  For example, children who adapt easily to new situations will adapt more easily to a new visitation schedule or living arrangement.  

For more information about this topic, Bay Area parents can attend a Kids’ Turn “Early Years” workshop for parents who are facing separation or divorce with children aged 0-3 years.