GETTING THE MOST FROM KIDS' TURN

We often receive phone calls from families who want to know when they should attend Kids' Turn, and if it is too late to attend if the divorce or separation took place long ago. We rarely discourage families from attending even if the divorce was finalized years before. If families are still dealing with communication and support issues which stem from the separation, then they still have something to learn from the Kids' Turn workshops.

However, we also feel that earlier in the process is better. If families can start to deal with issues such as the parenting plan before going to court, the agreement is likely to be reached more smoothly and in a more congenial fashion. According to mediator and Kids' Turn Founder Jeanne Ames, "Families should attend Kids' Turn as soon as possible. It focuses parents on their children at a time when everything in life is diverting them from that focus. So the benefit of Kids' Turn to the parents becomes the benefit to the children."

Jeanne says children also benefit directly from attending early in the process. "Kids' Turn gives the children some coping skills and some perspective on what is happening, so they don't have to feel guilty or responsible."

Family Law Judge Barbara Miller of Alameda Superior Court concurs that early attendance is better. "I can't tell you how many times children have expressed those kinds of feelings to me - it's very common. The earlier parents start to help their kids cope with their feelings the better. Ideally they should try to attend Kids' Turn as soon as the parents decide to separate, rather than waiting until real problems have developed, or in some cases, never identifying their childrens' problems. Children can grow up internalizing all sorts of horrible feelings."

Family Court Services has reported to us that families going through Kids' Turn don't go back to court nearly as often. According to Mediator Trish Kaplan, who is the Supervisor of Family Court Services in Hayward, "Generally a referral to Kids' Turn means that we don't see them again and families don't return to court. If they go to Kids' Turn, at least one parent realizes the negative impact the dispute is having on the kids and withdraws from the fight. The struggling families who don't go to Kids' Turn are the ones who come back to us."