Divorce was
introduced in Ireland for the first time in 1997. Although divorce is a very new
social phenomenon marriage breakdown has been on the increase for some time.
Until 1997 the only means couples would have to formalise the ending of their
marriage was by obtaining a Judicial Separation. The introduction of divorce now
means that couple have the opportunity for remarriage. Divorce while being a no
fault divorce as in the States, still remains relatively difficult to obtain as
the couple must be able to show that they have lived apart for a period of four
years in order for the courts to grant a divorce. There is no provision for one
of the partners to object to the granting of a divorce but a judge at his
discretion can refuse to allow the divorce to proceed.
STATISTICS
OVERHEAD
In the year 2000
there were
·
2,623 Divorces
·
1,035 Judicial separations, and
·
56 State annulments.
There are no
statistics that tell us how many children are living in single parent families.
The statistics on the number of marriages in any given year do not tell us how
many of this number are second marriages. However,
the divorce rate would suggest one in ten marriages break down which is a
similar average to other predominantly Catholic countries in the European Union.
I t will be interesting to see in the years to come whether the numbers will
reflect a move towards the higher rate of divorce of the UK and America due to
the rapidly declining influence of the Catholic church in Ireland in recent
years.
An Incident
that occurred in their childhood that gave them a sense of who they were as a
male/female.
An incident that occurred in their teens they were aware they should talk to someone – who did they choose, and why, and if they did not talk about it, why not?
OVERHEAD
ON FEELINGS
It
is interesting to note the high percentage of anxiety that children have about
their parents, and their worry about future.
In
the interviews it was very evident to the researchers that girls are able to
process the impact that their parents’ separation has had on them in a way
boys do not – it was noticeable from the research in Ireland that in using
quotes to illustrate their findings the researchers realized that 80% of the
quotes used were from girls even though the research was more or less a 50/50
gender split in the sample.
I
want to now look at how this concern for their parents well-being, both physical
and psychological, will impact on females and how it can subsequently lead them
to become caretakers of the whole family.
Females
are more likely to be drawn into their parent’s relationship in terms of
parents confiding details of their interpersonal problems in them, and so this
can lead them therefore to adopt a sense of responsibility for the welfare of
their parents and the family well-being.
EXAMPLE:
Two sisters came
to Teen Between a year following their parents’ separation. When their parents
separated and their father moved out it was arranged that they would visit him
twice a week. In counselling, both of them expressed concern about his
ability to take care of himself and would regularly sacrifice going out with
friends or pursuing their own hobbies to continue seeing their father at the
times that suited him, because of their concern.
In
my work with them we examined his life overall and they began to realise that he
had his own social life and that he
was pursuing this actively – so they began to request that they would see him
at a time that was more suitable to them.
Another
example came from a client who attended recently. She is 17 years of age and the parents had decided to remain
in the family home until she completes her education. The parents live separate lives but there still remains a
high level of tension as the father blames the separation on his wife.
He
suffers from bi-polar disorder but has used his illness to try to manipulate the
family into feeling sorry for him. This
cumulated in him attempting suicide by overdosing in the family home.
It
was distinctly obvious that my client and her older sister had taken on the
responsibility for keeping their father alive (their brother, in contrast, was
furious with his father and would have nothing to do with him.)
This anxiety was hugely distressing for my client as despite being aware
of her father’s manipulation she was unable to challenge him for fear of how
he would react.
Again,
in working through her anxiety she learned that her father had to take
responsibility for his own life and that as long as she continued to be anxious
for him he could use this to his advantage.
As
soon as she began to withdraw from telling him what he should be doing she was
amazed at how he began to make friends – going out on his own and finally
returning to work!
So
what are the concerns for the future for young females who take on inappropriate
roles of parenting the parent following marital breakdown.
If
we look at the fundamental task of adolescence which is to become independent
of the family and self reliant, this task will be seriously affected if
the young female believes that without her continued involvement in her parents
lives they will collapse psychologically. This
can be demonstrated in many different forms.
Over-functioning in school, being compliant at all times, sacrificing
their own interests and taking on the parenting role of younger siblings.
It
would appear that the impact that this over-functioning has will reflect in
several areas of development of the female.
Although high
achievers academically in school, they often discover at university, which
anticipates students will be self reliant and able to organise their own study
programme that they become over-anxious, will have serious doubts about their
ability to achieve, and either drop out of their course or else experience their
life at university as one of overwhelming challenge and so are deprived of the
opportunities that enable others in their age group to gain in confidence and
maturity.
The
other risk of being deprived of being parented themselves is the risk of early
pregnancy. The young person seeking
to find someone who loves her unconditionally, a baby is perceived as being for
less demanding on her than an angry and resentful parent.
Ireland
continues to have a high rate of children born to teenage parents compared to
other EU countries. A further risk
associated with early pregnancy is the need to escape from the family situation
and so in leaving home earlier than their peers, these young females are often
ill equipped psychologically or financially for coping on their own.
Many of my clients have talked about “getting out of home as soon as
possible” and yet have no concept of the complexities of independent living,
it is simply their desire to be released from the burden of the role of
caretaker.
I
believe one of the major impacts on the young person taking on the caretaker
role is in her ability to establish a healthy relationship in her adult life.
The
consequences of her becoming a caretaker is that while she may appear extremely
capable psychologically she is, in fact, emotionally extremely needy having
being deprived of parental nurturing at a young age. This can reflect in her relationships at various stages but
overall are demonstrated in her unrealistic expectations of her partner’s
ability to care for her. He will be
viewed as the parent who was not there for her and this might be particularly
evident if she leaves her career to become a full or part-time homemaker for
their children.
As
a marriage counsellor working with adult couples I have become aware of the
partner’s reaction to the perceived sudden change in his wife’s behaviour.
Someone who had seemed previously to be exceptionally capable and
responsible becomes dependant and demanding and this pressure can be
overwhelming leading the male partner longing to escape!
I have been
somewhat alarmed in the schools that I have visited to hear stories where
teachers, aware of the family circumstances, have viewed girls exhibiting
over-controlled good behaviour as a positive sign that the young person is
actually coping well with what is happening at home.
It is only in challenging this perception that we can hope to educate
professionals working with young people that, in fact, “coping well” in this
instance is often far from the truth.
Obviously,
in the Irish context where service development is relatively new (our
organisation was the first of its kind in the Republic and was only established
in 1995) we have a long way to go in setting
up programmes specifically designed to work with families where parents
are separating. However, we have
established from our recent research in Ireland that what our young people are
looking for is support for their parents and so it has become increasingly
obvious that our resources should be used in providing parenting programmes
following separation, alongside counselling to help the parents work through the
emotional impact of the divorce. Probably
not new to many of you attending here today but I can assure you that currently
the only post separation programme in Ireland is delivered through our Mental
Health Services and for a referral to be made to the clinic the young person
will already be demonstrating severe emotional and behavioural distress.
I am currently in the process of preparing such a course, which will be
piloted through my own Agency this September.
As
girls are able to process their experiences in a way that boys do not, this
enables them to have insight into their own feelings and so they are more aware
of their inability to manage the impact of their parents’ separation,
therefore are more likely to avail of services. In examining the numbers
attending our service since 1995 there have in each year been twice the number
of girls than boys.
As
a consequence it is crucial that the information about helping agencies is made
widely available and that such services are sufficiently resourced so as to be
easily accessible for these young people, as and when they need them.
We are all aware that divorce is a process not
an event and that young people can be affected even before the actual
physical separation takes place (as in my case) so it is important that young
people are aware of this. The
implications also can be felt long after the event as well – the causes of
this are various but again information is essential in helping young people
realise they are not alone and do not have to carry the burden of parenting the
parents.
It was noticeable
in the Research Study that none of the boys interviewed in the older age group
(14-16) had accessed any helping agencies at the time their parents separated
and voiced openly their reluctance to do so.
A
comment from one boy aged 16 summed up what they all felt;
“I didn’t feel like I needed it totally because I wasn’t like mad
in the head.” However, it would
appear from the research findings that boys are less able than girls to process
their experience of their parents’ separation.
As a consequence, while their behaviour may be clearly demonstrating
their struggle to come to terms with what has happened, they seem unable to
recognise that availing of counselling might be a solution.
A
good illustration of this was a 14 year old boy who attended our service at the
request of his parents who, at this stage, had been separated for two years and
had recently obtained a Judicial Separation through the courts.
This young man had been functioning reasonably well since his parents
separation but in the last two months had been acting out, missing school and
had been caught drinking alcohol by his father.
The
cause of his distress, discovered in counselling, was that the Judicial
Separation had destroyed his fantasy that his parents would, one day, get back
together and once we had worked through his feelings of loss he was fine again.
However, when I first encountered my client he would sit in the
counselling room telling me he was fine, OK, no problem and, at the same time,
one of his legs was twitching and shaking quite alarmingly so I was well aware
that “I’m fine” was not how he felt at all.
His explanation for his behaviour that caused his parents such concern
was that he was bored in school and had drifted towards a group that had led him
astray. He did recognise he was
unhappy but didn’t know why.
As
a result of processing his experience of his parents’ separation with him, my
client gained insight and understanding into his feelings and so was able to
work through his losses in a more appropriate way.
However,
what about the many who are unable to use this opportunity, what can we
anticipate will be the consequences for them on their future development?
Perhaps
the more known consequences are when a young man act s out behaviourally.
This will often be demonstrated through anti-authoritarian behaviour with
school teachers, etc. They will
experience suspensions from school, possibly expulsion, show little interest in
their academic studies, become early school leavers and so are ill equipped for
the job market. This can also lead
to drug and alcohol abuse (the latter being particularly common in Ireland).
While families are alarmed and concerned about what is happening for the young
person they often feel powerless in the face of the young person’s attitude
that there is nothing wrong with them, it is the world at fault..
I
am now extremely used to hearing a young girl in my counselling room tell me
that her brother is suffering far more than her but that any attempt they have
made to broach the subject has been merely brushed off.
However,
my concern is more for those young men who may not act out, who will appear to
be functioning reasonably well but who, in fact, are depressed.
For many young people their anger, and expression of it, is deemed
unacceptable by their parents or even other adults in their lives.
This anger, if restricted and contained, can become a self destructive
force and lead to depression with the potential for suicide.
It is of concern to all health professionals within our country that the
fastest rising age group of suicide is in 15-24 year old boys and Ireland has
the fastest rising suicide in the world. Marital
breakdown is by no means the only cause but is one of the factors that is
significant.
I
worked with a young man aged 17 who was referred by a social worker because he
had taken an overdose of paracetamol and had nearly died as a result.
His reason was that his girlfriend had dumped him and he was upset and
had taken the pills on the spur of the moment.
In working with him I heard that his father had left when he was 14 and
he had been so angry with him that he had refused to see him ever since.
However, this young man had subsequently realised how much he missed his
father but his own stubbornness at not being able to acknowledge this to anyone
had prevented him from re-connecting with him again.
Fortunately,
his father was able to use his enforced hospitalisation after the suicide
attempt to visit his son and it was he who enabled him to open up and admit to
the loss and sadness around their relationship and so having re-established this
relationship my client felt his hope for his future renewed.
A happy ending to a case that so nearly ended in tragedy.
Why
is it that young Irishmen find it hard to seek support at the time their
parents’ marriage is failing?
I
would like to use my own family as part of the explanation for this in terms of
gender development. I think we
would all be aware that for boys to develop intimate relationships with other
women they need first of all to separate psychologically from their mothers.
The age that this happens may vary but I became very aware of my son’s
distancing himself from me when he was 14 at the time of his physical growth and
development. I clearly remember
saying to my husband – “you need to be here for him now” as anything I
offer is being rejected. When I
reflect now, what would have happened if my husband and I were going through a
separation at that time and he hadn’t been available, who would he have turned
to because it certainly would not have been me.
Again in our study, the overwhelming majority of children remained with
their mothers. So for young teenage
boys the loss of their father at that age can have a crucial impact in their
gender development in being able to have an insight and understanding of what it
means to be a “man”. No wonder
their rage and anger at their fathers can be so powerful in its expression.
At the same time they feel unable to discuss how they feel with their
mothers for fear of being overwhelmed by her need for attachment at a time when
those are the bonds they are trying to break.
The
rejection that they experience can set the blueprint for their future ability to
develop relationships with both male and females.
When counselling couples experiencing marital difficulties the female
partner will often report feelings of distance and lack of sharing of feelings
with the males reporting how demanding and needy their partners are.
If we connect this to my earlier piece on the impact separation has on
female gender development is there perhaps any surprise that research worldwide
has demonstrated that children from divorced families are more likely to divorce
themselves.
How do we respond
to the distress of these young males and how do we encourage them to ask for
support?
Similarly,
in our response to young females it would seem that empowering parents to
continue parenting effectively is important.
In particular, with the boys to ensure that father/son contact is
encouraged. Fortunately, a very positive aspect of our research is
indicating that Ireland rates highly in the now residential parent continuing to
maintain regular contact with their
children. Being a small island
where mobility remains low makes this more possible. I believe Ireland has
benefited from learning from the findings of research done in other countries
that good regular contact with the non resident parent plays a crucial factor in
the post separation period of adjustment for their children.
In
this, the community at large plays a crucial role in its attitude to divorcing
couples. If there is a strong social reaction against parents using
access as a means of exacting revenge against their partner who has rejected
them, then the young people are far less likely to be drawn into loyalty
conflicts. I was impressed in my
visit to the ICMIR Conference in Stockholm last year to discover that in Sweden
such a social attitude has been established and parents are made all too aware
that to prevent access unless in extreme circumstances is not condoned by
society and certainly not by professionals who are there to protect the rights
of the child.
So
how do we, as professionals, reach those boys who are exhibiting distress but
are unable to ask for help and whose parents are locked in conflict and are
unable to be present for their children.
Last
year I met a 15 year old boy whose parents had separated twelve months
previously but had continued to argue over everything.
However, by the time he came to see me they had managed to resolve the
conflict and were working together on a shared parenting plan.
He reflected on his experience and commented that if only his parents
could have acted like adults not children he would have accepted the situation
philosophically but it was their childish behaviour that had enraged him and had
led him to demonstrate this in an unhealthy way. He went on to comment that if he had come to me while this
conflict was continuing it would have been of great benefit but he hadn’t
asked. “I just thought I had to
put up with it.”
So
again, providing information and training is crucial for those who work closely
with young people..
Another
valuable tool is using information technology to provide information through web
sites, an idea we are working on presently.
Needless
to say, in conclusion, that I hope to learn from other members of this workshop
how they have tackled the issues for both genders so that we can all learn from
the experiences of others.
I believe Ireland has also benefited