STAYING CLOSE TO YOUR KIDS

We were all intrigued by this drawing from a Kids' Turn participant. How many other kids are disappointed by "A Santa Kind of Parent" who comes bearing gifts and toys but little else? Children are in need of so much more than material objects, yet some parents, especially those without custody or with limited access to their children, don't know how else to contribute to their children's lives.

One of the main focal points at Kids' Turn is that both parents should be fully involved in the lives of their children. A recent California Supreme Court ruling which gives custodial parents the right to relocate for economic reasons after divorce may mean that even more non-custodial parents will be struggling to stay a part of their children's lives when the children live many miles or even many states away.

The real key to participating is communication and showing that you care. According to Former Kids' Turn Program Director Diane Kaufman. "Many non-custodial parents withdraw from their children's lives out of a sense of guilt or shame in the wake of a divorce. This keeps them from realizing that the absence of meaningful and loving communication leaves the child feeling bereft and unworthy of the parent's time and affection. Often children will respond by becoming angry or withdrawn, which makes it all the more important for the non-custodial parents to overcome their own sense of inadequacy and to maintain a strong relationship with their kids. "

There are many ways to keep in touch with a child long distance, which can also be utilized by custodial or joint-custody parents, just as a way of showing children you care:

• Writing letters, sending cards or calling on the phone.
• Sending photographs or drawings, stickers, postcards or hand-made items.
• Sending e-mail messages, if both sides are computer equipped, or faxes.
• Cassette-recorded messages, songs or stories, so a child can hear your voice.
• Magazine subscriptions you both have and can share together.
• Coded "secret" messages with a key for deciphering the code.
• Carefully selected gifts that are either educational or that show you know the child well.
• Showing an interest in school work, artwork, after school activities and friends.
• Saying "I love you," sending airmail hugs and kisses, and generally showing you care.

Being physically separated from a child need not be the end of the world, but removing yourself wholly from a child's life, or just being peripherally involved, can have life-long, devastating effects. Even a young child can see the difference between a "regular loving parent" and a "Santa kind of parent."