Presentation by Claire Barnes, M.A.
To the 2002 International Commission on Couple and Family Relations
Distance Diversity Dislocation
June 2002
Sydney, Australia

Teen Gender Development in Divorcing or Separating Families—a Perspective from Two Cultures and Countries 

History

        Divorce is a social phenomenon that is as old as the tradition of marriage itself.  Historical references to divorce extend as far back as Mosaic law.  But even before Moses, a man could gather some of his friends (male) together and tell his wife that she was no longer married to him and literally send her packing.[i]

At the beginning of the 1900’s, many Americans clung to traditional views of marriage and divorce, failing to realize that the powerful forces of industrialization, urbanization, changing gender roles, and rising expectations of marriage, would propel people toward divorce as the century progressed.  By the mid-1900's, divorces for extreme circumstances (cruelty, drunkenness and certain forms of crime) were necessary. Additional sociological phenomenon contributing to the rising rate of divorce are worth mentioning:

Þ   Women’s expanded roles working outside of the American home during WW II and after the war;

Þ   The role of the feminist movement encouraging women to act in their own best interests, even if those interests were contrary to societal rules based on patriarchal governmental and religious systems;

Þ   Medical advances helped the general population live longer thereby changing the concept of 'until death do us part';

Þ   Medical advances also offered women birth control methods giving them reproductive choices and contributing to a dramatic change of  traditional female roles;

Þ   The impact of the automobile resulting in families moving out of family-focused communities to suburbs in large American cities.  This element significantly reduced the number of multi-generational families living in one residence;

Þ   The recent influence of the worldwide web and the increased capacity of Americans to communicate globally, examine expanded lifestyle choices, and access information.

During the 1980's the growth of divorce was fueled by the controversial adoption (in 44 of the 50 states) of ‘no fault divorce,’[ii] which eliminated the need to prove one party wrong in the proceedings.  All of the aforementioned factors, with the addition of declining commitment to religious beliefs, a gradual deterioration of the patriarchal family and a growing belief in personal satisfaction and freedom created a rich medium for the growth of divorce.[iii]

        A look at the history of divorce in the United States would not be complete without examining child custody as determined by cultural, economic and social variables.  Up until the early 1900’s, American children were considered property or ‘chattel’ and therefore necessary to maintain an agrarian economic society perpetuated by their fathers.  The custom at that time was to award custody of divorce children[iv] to fathers.  Mid-Century, the growing fields of child development and child psychology (influenced by Anna Freud, Jean Piaget, and others) emphasized the important role of mothers as children’s first teachers, caregivers and nurturers.  This resulted in a legal paradigm shift and mothers were given the role as primary custodial parent in most divorces.  The newest shift in these traditions find fathers and mothers beginning to share custodial duties as specified in joint custody arrangements.[v]  (Note:  Social action groups advocating for father's rights are also very influential in returning father's to a primary caregiver role.) 

Statistics

No fault divorce laws (ref. above) now govern dissolution of marriage in almost every state in the United States. Divorce advocates argue that divorce is a citizen’s right and that it is beneficial to American society because it eliminates dysfunctional marriage.  Contradicting that position, the current Bush Administration is proposing federal legislation that will financially reward welfare couples that get or stay married.  (Note:  This latter strategy horrifies domestic violence experts who fear women will stay in abusive marriages just to collect federal welfare dollars.) The following US Divorce Rates reflect the growing trend of Americans who acknowledge divorce as a reality.

    As a culture, we are currently holding steady at a 50% rate of divorce.[vi] One out of every two first marriages ends in divorce[vii] and that percentage jumps to over 60% in second marriages.[viii] This trend in American families impacts more than one million children each year.  It is predicted that 50%  of all children in the United States will experience a divorce before they are 18.  In fact, 61% of the couples in which both the husband and wife are divorcing from a first marriage have children under 18 years of age.[ix]  The dramatic impact on American youth and teens is now put forward for consideration. 

Impact on Adolescents and Teens

The key to the impact of divorce or separation on teens is the level of conflict demonstrated by their parents.  It is not surprising that the effects of marital disruption on children vary according to the level of marital conflict that existed before the divorce as evidenced by the following:

1.   Marital conflict is a more important predictor of child adjustment than is the divorce itself or post divorce conflict.[x]

2.   Regardless of parents’ marital status, a high level of marital conflict experienced during childhood has been linked to more depression and other psychological disorders in young adults, compared with those reporting lower levels of family conflict during childhood.[xi]

3.   Research (and common sense) indicates that the intensity and frequency of parent conflict, the style of conflict, its manner of resolution, and the presence of buffers to ameliorate the effects of high conflict are the most important predictors of child adjustment.[xii]

Additionally, a high level of post-disruption conflict also aggravates and prolongs the negative effects of divorce.[xiii]  In the period immediately following marital breakup, the custodial parents’ ability to be a good parent often declines.  Many custodial parents, distressed and overburdened, become less supportive and more inconsistent in disciplining their youth and teens plus household routines are frequently interrupted.[xiv]   And while parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, teens are invariably frightened and confused by the changes in the family structure.  Divorce can be misinterpreted by teens unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved or not involved, and what will happen to them.

Fear, distress and other symptoms in children are diminished when parents resolve their significant conflicts, as opposed to no resolution, and when parents use more compromise and negotiation methods rather than verbal attacks.  (Note:  The family law fields of Mediation and, more recently, Collaborative Law are designed to help families work through marital conflicts leading to less contentious divorces.)

The negative effects that we associate with divorce are actually evident in teens at least one year before the marriage ends….many of these problems are  not much worse after the divorce than they are a year before the break-up.[xv] Teens of both sexes experiencing the disruption of their parents’ marriages:

Ø     tend to have poorer emotional adjustment;

Ø     show an increased risk of accidents, injuries and poisonings;

Ø     are more likely to exhibit signs of early disengagement from school;

Ø     exhibit a disproportionately high range of negative behavioral problems;

Ø     may be affected directly by the losses and economic hardships created by lower income and assets;[xvi]

Ø     demonstrate a lower sense of self-esteem (boys);

Ø     exhibit over controlled ‘good’ behavior (girls).[xvii]

Importantly, the adolescent and teen years are those developmental stages when American youth learn to trust and explore intimate relationships.  If youth experience a divorce at that time, those developmental stages may be interrupted or damaged as their role models (their parents) disengage from the intimacy of the marriage.  The transition of separation or divorce also puts the trust between parents and children at risk while family members sort out who is emotionally trustworthy and who is not. 

Gender Differences

Even in the most optimal post-divorce conditions, divorce boys remain at higher risk for depression and significantly lowered self-esteem.  Divorce increases a boy's chance of becoming depressed regardless of mediating conditions due to the departure of their father from the home.  Boys also reveal a disproportionate increase in substance use and a decline in socially acceptable behavior than their non-divorce peers.  Divorce boys experience lowered mathematics and reading performances (which can be offset post-divorce when in-home conflict is reduced or eliminated) and higher frequency of high school drop out rates complicated by behavioral problems when compared to divorce girls.[xviii]

Since the single-mother/son relationship can be one of the most difficult post-divorce, the critical remedy to the difficulties experienced by boys is the role of the father who is generally the non-custodial parent.  Admittedly, the role of a non-residential parent can be confusing for fathers, and it is common for these dads to relinquish their parent role and form a buddy-type relationship with their children.  It is essential, especially for sons that fathers continue to function as a parent.  Simply showing kids a good time and being a pal doesn't make any difference in terms of developmental outcomes for kids. [xix] 

The father's reduced  involvement in parenting is a key indicator in boys' externalizing problems as well.  Those factors, compounded by a single mother's difficulty in parenting an oppositional adolescent or teen-age son, raise a boy's chances for at risk behavior found in today's American culture.  (Examples:  Acting out or violent behavior; use of alcohol or drugs; sexual promiscuity; dropping out of school; criminal activity.)  Without question, parental warmth is directly associated with boys' positive outcomes.[xx]Divorce girls have a three times higher risk for teen birth than girls from two-parent homes.  And while girls' difficulties do not increase significantly post-divorce, they clearly manifest prior to the separation and typically those difficulties might be more difficult to observe.  Examples of those difficulties include:   becoming more anxious or depressed; exhibiting over-controlled, 'good' behavior.   Although there is some research that leads us to believe that divorce girls do better in maternal custody (even resulting in the raising of independent, resilient young women),  it is common for girls in the custody of their mothers to share the female emotions of the separation and develop a care-giving attitude toward their mothers.

Importantly, girls whose parents divorce may grow up without the day to day experience of interacting with a man who is attentive, caring and loving.  The continuous sense of being valued and loved as a female seems an especially key element in the development of the conviction that one is femininely loveable.  Without this source of nourishment, a divorce girl's sense of being valued as a female does not seem to thrive.[xxi]  In this context, the critical role of the father is parallel to that for divorce boys.

        And divorce girls are more prone to demonstrate 'sleeper' effects as young adults.  Even if they had untroubled adolescence, divorce girls are at a higher risk for conflicted interpersonal relations characterized by their concerns about rejection and betrayal.[xxii] 

Community Responses, Remedies, Implications for Services

        Even though divorce more than doubles the risk for emotional and behavioral problems in both boys and girls, the good news is that the vast majority of children from divorced families do just fine.  What is essential for kids is that they be parented well. If parents persevere in their parenting, are warm and supportive, monitor the kids are consistent in discipline, the risk for conduct problems is no greater than in two-parent families.  This is a more optimistic scenario than is often asserted.[xxiii]

The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (Family Violence Department) of the United States encourages community leaders and institutions to join together to establish responses that offer meaningful help to families by providing adequate social and economic supports  and access to services that are respectful, culturally relevant and responsive to the unique strengths and concerns of families. 

Community responses are growing across the United States, and representative strategies include:

1.   Divorce Education programs offered on a voluntary basis appear to be attracting larger numbers of parents.  Some programs (see Kids’ Turn below) offer parallel sessions for children of different age groups.

2.   Court ordered divorce education programs are available in many communities targeting those families with very contentious circumstances.  Participation by these families is most effective early in the legal process rather than later; and high-conflict families seem to benefit the most.

3.   Programs that focus on parent skill-building and learning new communication skills are most effective compared to other formats.

4.   The importance of peer relationships at this developmental stage is worthy of strong emphasis. Programs specific to adolescents and teens should utilize the strength of peer relationships (mentors) to help young people through this transition.

5.   Program models offered in the school setting are effective because they are easily accessible to adolescents and teens.

Since 1988, Kids' Turn has provided educational workshops that help ensure that children of divorce are not overlooked by their parents.  Located in San Francisco, California (USA) Kids’ Turn re-focuses parents on their children and reaches children to understand their family situation, Kids’ Turn contributes to an improved transition environment in which children can thrive and grow up healthier, safer and feeling more loved.  For more information about Kids’ Turn, see www.kidsturn.org