TELLING YOUR CHILDREN

ABOUT YOUR SEPARATION/DIVORCE

By Cheryl Sindel

Telling your children that you and your child's other parent plan to separate or divorce may be one of the most difficult experiences of your life, but it is a very important discussion and may have long-lasting implications for your children.

Many parents fear the hurt their children will feel, and may blame themselves for causing their children emotional pain.  Children, however, do need to hear the truth first-hand from their parents.  Although many parents think they have sheltered their children from parental unhappiness or disagreements, many children are aware at some level that their parents are not happy and may even anticipate the announcement that their parents will separate. Some children may actually feel a sense of relief once the decision to separate is announced – especially if there has been a lot of fighting.

 Other children are unaware of their parents' unhappiness and the announcement may come as a complete surprise.   

Whether or not the children expected the announcement, parents should expect their children to react to the news with a variety of emotions and behaviors.  

As difficult as it is, it is important that parents speak honestly and openly with their children in order for them to clearly understand the changes that are about to occur and to reduce their sense of fear and uncertainty.  Children will benefit from truthful communications, but parents should gear their discussions about the cause and effects of separation/divorce to their children's developmental ages.  

Children of all ages need to be told repeatedly that they are loved by both parents and that they will be taken care of.  Children need to know not only that their parents still love them, but also that each parent will respect the child's love for the other parent.  Children will also need to be told repeatedly that the separation is not because of anything they did.   Many children on some level blame themselves for their parents' separation.  They might think that their misbehavior, bad thoughts or other actions are the reason for the split.  Parents should be clear that the decision to separate was made by the adults and had nothing to do with the children's behaviors. 

What, when, and how do we tell the children? 

Your children deserve honest information from their parents without being overloaded with too many        details.  You should tailor your explanations to your children's developmental ages.  What is appropriate to tell a 14-year-old, who has some understanding of the complexity of relationships, would be confusing and inappropriate for a four-year-old.  

It is preferable that both parents tell the children together.  By being together, you are giving your children a message that you are both available to your children and are willing to take responsibility together to handle this situation.  You should time the discussion so that your children are well rested and have no or few other commitments that day.  A weekend morning is optimal; just before school or after a long day would be very difficult for a child, as he or she would have little time or energy to absorb the news.  After the discussion, some parents take their children to a movie or other family outing to reinforce the kids' connection with both their parents. 

It is helpful to tell the children about the impending separation some time (e.g., a month or two) before the separation actually occurs.  This allows the children time to absorb the news and begin to ask questions about the upcoming changes.  With very young children, who have no sense of time, you may not need to tell them more than a couple of weeks before the changes happen.  However, even very young children benefit from being alerted to a change in their circumstances. 

Some parents may want to prepare a “script,” or at least consistent messages, before approaching the children.  It is important to avoid pointing the finger of blame at the other parent.  Remember, you may no longer like or love the other parent, but your children do, and need support and encouragement to continue a relationship with their parents.  

Avoid giving your children too much adult-level information or information that blames one parent (for example, that a parent is having an affair or is a drunk). Your children don't need to know these particulars right now and they are probably too overwhelmed with their own feelings to have to listen to and process your hurt or angry feelings.  (In the long run, they are bound to figure the truth of these situations out on their own.  If you are the one to tell them this negative information, you risk being blamed as the messenger or bearing the brunt of the child’s anger, disbelief, or desire to protect the “weaker” parent.)  Instead, focus on helping your children understand that there will be changes in the family and if possible tell your children how things will be different and what will be the same (kids will have the same home, school, toys, friends, etc.).  If you don't know what the future living situation will be, but you know you will be caring for the children, assure the children that they will still have time with BOTH parents. 

Assure the children that they will not be abandoned.   This is a huge issue for most children and they need to know that they will continue to be loved and taken care of. 

What kind of reactions can I expect from my children? 

Children will react to the news of a separation or divorce in a variety of ways.  Children may also go through several different reactions while they are processing and getting used to the information.  Your child may show anger, intense sadness, shame or inconsolable distress.  She or he may react with numb indifference. Other children will react with complete silence. Upon hearing about the separation, some children may go out and play as if they didn't hear you.  This reaction can be quite normal for a child who needs to process the news a bit at a time.  Some children react with fear -- of abandonment; of losing their parents' love; of losing their home, food, toys, or friends.  They may also react with guilt (even if they don't express it) so remember to tell the children they had nothing to do with the decision to divorce and that you are not divorcing the children! 

Most children will ask a lot of "Why" questions.  Be patient, as your kids will probably ask you over and over again about the same questions.  Be prepared to answer your kids on a level they will understand. Some common explanations for why you and your child's other parent are choosing to separate are:  "Your Mom/Dad and I still care about each other but are not getting along anymore”; “We just don't care about each other in the same way we used to, but we both still love you kids”;  or, “We are growing apart from each other." If you are talking to an older child and must get into the details of the other parent’s shortcomings, try to avoid judging the other parent.  Explain why you are separating by describing the other parent's behaviors instead of judging or blaming the other parent.  For example, you might state, "Mom/Dad drinks more than I like" rather than saying, "Mom/Dad is a drunk." 

Remember, your kids are not only looking for direct answers to WHY but are often needing you to answer their underlying fears of who will take care of them, will they continue to be loved, and what does the future hold for them. 

What can I do to help my children through the separation/divorce process? 

Be patient with your children.  Help your children identify supportive people in their lives with whom they can talk.  These people may include relatives, teachers, members of your religious community, and friends (including those who have also been through divorce).  

Parents should inform supportive adults in their children's lives about the separation/divorce.  Teachers, clergy, therapists, doctors, etc. should be informed so that they can be sensitive to your children's needs and have an understanding about your children's emotional or behavioral changes. 

Read books about separation/divorce to your children.  Often times, books about others help children understand what is happening and make them feel less alone.   Please refer to the Kids' Turn's bibliography for a list of age-appropriate books.   

It is natural for children to have a period of adjustment to the changes in the family system.  If your child experiences extreme levels of distress, sadness, or anger, or behavioral changes that last beyond three months, you should consider consulting with a professional therapist.  Your child's school counseling department may also provide individual counseling and have groups for children going through divorce.  

Finally, if you live in an area served by Kids’ Turn, consider enrolling yourself and your children in a six-week educational workshop.  The workshops are designed to help children whose parents are going through separation or divorce.   If you don’t have a Kids’ Turn in your area, consider starting one with a local nonprofit agency.  Please see our section on Kids' Turn workshops for further information..  You can also contact Kids' Turn's national office at 415-437-0700 for further information.